The Course of my Salvation from birth to rebirth.

Ok I'm moving my blogs around to this website to centrally locate everything. Several months back I had come to the lowest point of my human existence. I made a public plea on a website called the www.experienceproject.com on a subforum called -I Hate my Wife-.

First off before I cut and paste that post raw and unedited to this website I want to make a small disclosure of my life.

I was born in 1974 in St. Louis Missouri. As a infant I brought in South Side Assembly of God. About 5 years later we moved to Dexter Missouri and went to my dad's church, Essex Assembly of God. I went to church and Sunday school, Wednesday youth night. I thought I accepted God because I want to see my Grandpa and Grandma in Heaven. Now We weren't rich, actually we were comfortably poor. In school I wasn't popular because I was a small Mexican looking kid who wasn't wearing the latest fashions. I was like next to the last kid picked for all sports because of this. Growing up I loved astronomy and airplanes. My room was nothing but Air Force posters, model planes, and a giant star field I painted on my wall. I did finally make some wonderful friends growing up. I graduated in 1992 with a average grade level and enlisted in the US Air Force. I got engaged to a pretty gal I met several months before I shipped off to basic training. After basic training I went to technical school to train for my career field. There I decided to break off the engagement. I wanted to be single for a while. After I got to my first duty station I returned home to visit my friends where my good friend Brian brought my previously engaged girlfriend back to see me. Soon after we got married and have been so for several years. How many well you 'd have to ask her.

I know where it all started. I understand that I failed to be a good husband a long time ago. But let me fast forward to the lowest point of my life and where I once and for all decided to give my life over to God. Here's what I posted on that other website:

Ok only reason I am here is because I don't have a single soul on this planet I can talk to. I don't even know if God is listening. Well the economy is putting one hell of a strain on our lives, hell everyones lives. We generated alot of debt over the years but we are working to get it down, it sucks but we're doing it. The other day we was walking around lowes and I needed to get some parts to fix the shower. I mentioned I'd like to get some stuff to do a small project and then she starts bitching rather loud about how I never finish a project. Ok So I got a project car in the garage she agreed to let me do but really? I was building new beds for the kids and I still need to get back on those but they are way down the priorty list. Anyways the money. she complains about me spending money, yet at the same time she will go buy starbucks and eat out. While I take a sandwhich to work with me. this really ****** me off.

She always complains that I don't do enough around the house. Thing is these last few months she has hardly been helping at all. She started complaining about me not doing anything. Now I'm doing as much as I can short of cooking (she will ***** about that) For example- this week I cleaned the downstairs rooms, spotless! Wiping walls, steam cleaning carpets, rearranging rooms, tossing out clutter. Not a damn bit of help. She comes home from a office job were she plays on the internet all day. Gets in the pool with the kids and then cooks a **** poor dinner, does a terrible job cleaning the kitchen, then sits on her butt watching TV till she falls asleep.

I work nights, from 10pm to 6am. I see her for like 1 hour while she's getting ready for work before I go to sleep. Now yesterday I finally finished the down stairs rooms, look picture perfect. I plan to take some photos of the new layout for a online forum. But I'm exhausted so I fall litterally on the bed. I had been up for nearly 30 hours after work trying to clean up the basement. No sooner was I out my oldest boys girlfriend (he's 11) comes over to go swimming with my wife's permission. The pool is right outside my window. Great loud kids outside and I'm exhausted! The girl finally leaves and then a boy comes over they are quite for a while so I finally fall asleep. Hours later I wake up to the surround sound booming at 1am. Surpise to me is that this kid is spending the night. I was never asked or told this was going to happen. My damn wife goes to sleep in the kids room while the kids are down stairs watching movies. While I'm in our bed alone. Now those rooms that I spent a week on cleaning is destroyed again in no time.

Ok so I'm major pissed right now and would love to punch her in the throat. There nothing in the house to eat and the wife is at work right now. yea on a saturday. Then she told me a couple days ago she wants to have a girls night out with her friends at work. Now I don't drink, i've had too many friends and family die to alchohol. She knows this. I don't get to see her much and when we could be together she wants puts down plans to go out with people she sees everyday for hours a day. Like last night, a night we could be together she has my kids friends over all night.

She hasn't called all day. My kids friend is still over and it's been like 24 hours now since he came over. hell I don't know if they had lunch, there's nothing in the house and I pretty much seperated myself from them today because I'm in a really bad mood. They haven't asked for food so I won't offer any. Makes me a bit sad for my youngest, but he knows to ask me for something to eat.

Like I mentioned we have kids, 2 boys. The oldest is a emo, no doubt about that, he crys about everything, and my wife babies him. he's 11 and needs to act like a boy. Now my youngest is 6 and he's tough as nails. I don't beat my kids but I don't pamper them either, if they need a quick swat they get it. She's really starting to drive me up the wall. I've got some vacation time scheduled next month and I think I'll spend it away from her. She just ****** me off. I don't ask much, just work with me not against me and that's all it's been these last 2 weeks working against me. I think I've said a total of 6 words to her this last week.

I'm just letting off some steam before she walks in the door.

Part II

Well after she walked in the door she took my sons friend home and then fixed dinner. Afterwards I was going to try and figure out why she was acting this way. But she got to me first. She wanted to talk. First words out of her was I want a divorce.

That was on the 9th of August 2008. I didn't think what ever I did was that problematic. I was floored. That moment my entire world had strunken down into a 12x16 room and it was getting smaller and darker. I asked her why. She said she didn't love me any more and didn't want to continue on with this marriage. I had treated her badly for too long and she wasn't going to put up with it any longer. In that tiny room I paused and looked back on myself and I knew that I had treated her badly. I was feeling rejected by her and in turn I was rejecting her. Since I work a off shift I rairly ever get a chance to sleep with my wife. We would only have 4 hours together per day and less if the kids needed anything. So If I wanted to make love to my wife I had to hope and pray she was willing. When she wasn't willing to have sex with me out of the 2 nights per week we had I felt horrible bitterness towards her. I hated her because she wouldn't love me. I know that sound petty to some men and most women but it's an important part of marriage. I loved to kiss her I loved to hug her just to hold her but when she said no, I felt horrible rejection. I would leave bed and go to my computer. I'd rather not even try and not be rejected that try and be rejected. I loaded my computer with **** and spent every minute I could away from her. I set a cycle of hate in our marriage that lasted years.

sorry back to that night-

I had to leave I had to get out of the house I couldn't sit there trying to talk to a determined woman and possibly make things any worse. I drove east and cried to God for help. I called my mom about 20 minutes later while driving. She's a stead fast christian. She talked to me and prayed with me for nearly an 3 hours while I drove around.

I went back home and tried to sleep but I couldn't, my mind was devestated. That next morning it was Saturday and I finally convinced my wife that we could work this out, that I could change. We had been married 12 years and we couldn't just quit. She agreed and we went to church together for the first time in nearly a year. I was determined to prove myself to her that I loved her and that I could change. I hammered down and started getting things done around the house that I had put off for so long. I mowed the yard, took out the trash, worked hard to make a impact on the remodeling of the bathroom. I cleaned the house again from top to bottom. I was getting less that 3 hours of sleep a day all week I was determined to change things.

Saturday had come and we attend a church picnic I thought things were going to be better. That evening she had plans to go out with some of her freinds. Now I couldn't do anything but I knew this wasn't going to help me any. If I said no she couldn't go she would hate me. But I had to face the devil and let her go. The friends she was going with was a 35yr divorced wife, a 30yr divorced wife, and a 22yr single female, and maybe others. I didn't know of any married persons with them. So you can understand how I felt about this.

She came home around 10pm. She went straight past me and into bed. I wanted to find out if she had fun, trying to be kind and cautious. She said yea, Then I asked her if things were looking better for us and asked if she wanted to talk. She said she didn't know and she wanted to sleep. She was shutting me out and she was trying to avoid me. I asked her what happened and she said she just didn't want to stay married. This crushed me to the point I thought I was loosing everything I thought I would be better off if I just killed myself. I seriously considered this for some time. But I had to do what I could I had to call my brother and my mother again. I was hopeless. But I had one last chance to do one more thing. I cried out to God I told him this wasn't a battle I could win, even though I asked God for help I didn't give him control of the problem. I prayed that God would bless every word coming out of my mouth and that she would hear it with her heart. I was pushing against a wall and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't push this wall over. She was laying on the couch sleeping while I knelt beside her on the floor and I prayed my deepest prayers. I turned my life back to God right there.

5 hours later I reached over and gently took her hand and held it while she slepted and I prayed for her for her to have comfort and hope to give us another chance. A while later she woke up and I asked her to listen not to answer while I poured my heart out to her. I admitted that I was a wrong for treating her the way I did and with God's help we could do this. After me talking to her for about an hour she looked me in the eyes and she just said- I thought you would just let me go. She reached out and grabbed me and we hugged forever.

It's been a few days since we decided to do this. It seems so much longer though. Our lives have completely changed for the better.

I don't hate my wife. I hated the things she was doing. I hated the things I was doing.

I truely love her and I will live for her and we will do this together with God guidance and help.

I didn't have to reply back to this but I felt if I didn't someone else would think this was another hopeless post. It wasn't.

I'm telling you Guys there is hope. You can love your wife again and she can love you again.

These last few days have been the best of my entire life. We sit and talk we are open and completely honest with each other. We hold hands we do everything we can together. The TV hasn't been on in days and dust is gathering on my home computer. Right now she's at work and I'm waiting for the kids to get out of school.

One thing that has really helped us is a book my Brother recommended to us. It's call the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He explains how we express our love towards each other and how we are sometimes blind to this. We also been taking a marriage course offered by our church (Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs Love and Respect Course). I realize with compete clairty what we together was doing wrong.

If you want more information please please please reply to this message. We don't have to hate our wifes if we choose not to . God bless guys and good luck!

It's been several months now and life is awesome and it gets better every day. Miracles are happening in my life and blessings are abound. We have our third child on the way due in June.